Mothering

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for my dear friend's mother. Although I had never met her, I think they captured her personality perfectly in the type of memorial they chose to have. I was thinking on the drive home how perfect it had been, given the circumstances, and I am sure Laurie's mom would have been honored and pleased with their choices. So many memorials are about the formalities, the mourning and the mourners but this one was different. It was outside in a beautiful park, in the fall colors, the air was crisp and fresh and the message was simple and pure. Yes, people were mourning the loss of their dear friend, mother, aunt, cousin,neighbor etc, but you could feel that it was more about honoring her and celebrating the new life she has now.

Even though I have never met Lauries' mom, it has really hit home because I know my mom's time is inevitable. Her health is far from good, she works too much, does things her doctors have told her not to, is stubborn and holds on to negativity like no one else I have ever met!

Laurie's mom's death was unexpected, which is a reminder to me that even though my mom drives me nuts some times, I need to let it go and embrace my time with her. I need to let my kids be with her as much as she can stand and let the little things go. Since at least last year, Harrison has been going to Nana's after school on Tuesdays and that is his time with her. He is on the only one of the four that gets that 1:1 time with her and I know he enjoys it. The last couple weeks have been frustrating because she keeps him pretty much until bedtime, so he comes home and is wound up, needing to do homework and read and jump right into bed and go to sleep. Tom and I decided that we will just need to cut out the Tuesdays because it is too much. But, yesterday on my drive home, I had to re-evaluate and really ask, is it THAT big of a deal? When my mom's time does come, is it more important that Harrison was home and in bed by 8pm or that he has the fond memories of eating Nana's chicken noodle soup that she made just for him, memories of helping her plant her bushes in the back yard, running errands with her and stopping along the way to get a Blizzard, even though he just had a slushy when they stopped at Sam's and the candy bar before that, which she always has in her purse for right when he gets in the car at school? It is one night a week, is it really that big of a deal?

I think as daughters, we never fully grasp the importance of our Mother, until we ourselves become a mother. It is then and only then that we realize the sacrifice she has made of her time, energy, life and heart. She may not have mothered us the way we want to mother our own children, she may not be the person we want to be when we are 65, but all of that has a level of transparency because she is our Mother, the only one we get.

When my mom's time does come, I will miss her more than I will ever know at this point. I will not only miss her for me, but for my kids. However, since having moved her to NM and recently moved her across the street from us, I am sure of one thing: my regrets will be few. I am glad that we are close enough now that I know my mom as a person and friend in addition to knowing her as my mom. I am glad that we spend enough time together that I can be grouchy one day and it isn't a big deal because the next morning, she is the one I call when I am leaving the house to go to the grocery, to see if she wants anything or wants to go along. Having her so close, I don't have to be perfect or make sure every moment I am with her is quality and positive, because we have quantity on our side right now. I know she is the one I can call when she is out running around and ask her to bring home decon because I saw a mouse hiding under the fridge in the sun room this morning, but then we can laugh when I call her back, right as she is picking it out at the store, and tell her never mind because Elbert got tired of waiting for her and caught the mouse himself (I can just see the mouse dancing a jig to tease Elbert when he was in his crate and couldn't catch him!)

So, the important lesson I learned yesterday is to remember every day to say "I love you Mom" because it might be the last time I get to say it to her face, but also to be grateful that I am close enough to her to say it to her face daily. Laurie, may your heart heal in time and Susie, maybe your days be brighter now with your four wriggly pugs sitting on your lap where they belong, thank you for this lesson!