Puddles of Life

I just logged in, with intentions of blogging about whatever, I hadn't decided yet. I am grouchy today so I am sure it would be nothing that anyone would want to read. Then I looked at my friend's blog (The Morris Family on my following list) and it helped put things in perspective. My husband's job is nothing life threatening, beyond his high blood pressure that he is too darn stubborn to see a doctor for, so unlike her, that isn't a huge concern for me. When Harrison was Millie's age, we used to have the lazy mornings in bed, giggling, waiting for the dogs to make the first move to get up. We had a Sunday ritual that had nothing to do with church, instead we would drive anywhere in the city to a new park and have a Sunday Park Day, maybe grab some lunch along the way and play. It was all about Harrison and all about family. Somewhere along the way we have lost that. Now from the time the first kid is out of bed, it is just a fast pace to get this done and that done and at the end of the day, there is usually nothing to show for it except grumpy kids fighting sleep and grumpy parents wishing the kids would go to bed. But why? Is that what I want them to look back on when they are savoring their moments with their own kids? I was thinking the other day on our drive back from Santa Fe about what a great day we had, the kids all were pretty well behaved, not that I worry that much about that with Beth because she just isn't the type of friend that makes me feel like my kids have to be angels, she is realistic, and that is why we love her. But, on the drive home I was looking back at my own childhood and I don't have that many memories of time spent with my parents. I don't remember the conversations, the routines, the rituals. That is so far from what I want my kids to say when they are my age, with their own kids. I don't want them to remember me being a grouch, but I don't mind the remembering having boundaries and being upset when they weren't allowed to go too far outside of them. I want them to remember laughter, jokes, hugs and kisses, support and warmth, times of being wanted and times of wanting more of it. Home should be a safety net, where you can be grumpy if you are tired or have a bad day, it should be a place you want your friends to come play and know they are welcome.

I think part of why I am frustrated on the weekends is because as a SAHM, weekends are just the same as weekdays, just more people to cater to. On a week day, for the bulk of the day I just have the twins and Millie around while Harrison is at school and Tom is at work. On weekends, everyone is here. It is Tom's weekend away from work, so he should get to veg and do nothing, but in a house of six people, not everyone can do nothing or the house takes over and consumes you! I feel like I am the one who is picking up, cleaning, going about the same old stuff that I do every single day. I sat down this afternoon and watch Biggest Loser and couldn't remember the last time I had sat down for 45 minutes in the middle of the day, with out getting up or being interupted, for the most part. But then I get grouchy when Tom sits and vegs, I feel like why should he if I can't, but it isn't like he is saying I can't, it is me saying that. But, I also know, if I don't keep up, then I pay for it on Monday when I have a weekends worth of dishes, laundry, picking up etc to do all at once. Tom was proud of his big accomplishment yesterday of doing the dishes, atleast the ones that would fit in the dishwasher, the pots and pans all still sat on the counter, waiting for the dish fairy to wash them. I have to ask myself though, why isn't that ok with me? If I could lighten up then I could enjoy these fleeting moments with the kids. I could laugh at the stories they dream up, laugh at them playing with the dog, and be excited for the big mess of forts in the livign room, even though I know they can't fold up the Playhuts by themselves. They have their entire lives to be responsible and mature, for Pete's Sake, they are just kids!

I can make excuses for my grumpy days: I have had pms for 3 weeks now with no period (I had my tubes tied, I am NOT pregnant!) I crossed the year mark of refills on my post partum depression Zoloft and decided to stop taking it because I didn't want to be hassled by going back to the midwife to get refills, clearly that wasn't the right choice :)

So, this week, I am making an effort to be more positive, to embrace my kids more and just deal with the rest! Let them dance in the puddles and have fun because when they are 34 and dancing in the puddles someone might wonder :)