Mothering

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for my dear friend's mother. Although I had never met her, I think they captured her personality perfectly in the type of memorial they chose to have. I was thinking on the drive home how perfect it had been, given the circumstances, and I am sure Laurie's mom would have been honored and pleased with their choices. So many memorials are about the formalities, the mourning and the mourners but this one was different. It was outside in a beautiful park, in the fall colors, the air was crisp and fresh and the message was simple and pure. Yes, people were mourning the loss of their dear friend, mother, aunt, cousin,neighbor etc, but you could feel that it was more about honoring her and celebrating the new life she has now.

Even though I have never met Lauries' mom, it has really hit home because I know my mom's time is inevitable. Her health is far from good, she works too much, does things her doctors have told her not to, is stubborn and holds on to negativity like no one else I have ever met!

Laurie's mom's death was unexpected, which is a reminder to me that even though my mom drives me nuts some times, I need to let it go and embrace my time with her. I need to let my kids be with her as much as she can stand and let the little things go. Since at least last year, Harrison has been going to Nana's after school on Tuesdays and that is his time with her. He is on the only one of the four that gets that 1:1 time with her and I know he enjoys it. The last couple weeks have been frustrating because she keeps him pretty much until bedtime, so he comes home and is wound up, needing to do homework and read and jump right into bed and go to sleep. Tom and I decided that we will just need to cut out the Tuesdays because it is too much. But, yesterday on my drive home, I had to re-evaluate and really ask, is it THAT big of a deal? When my mom's time does come, is it more important that Harrison was home and in bed by 8pm or that he has the fond memories of eating Nana's chicken noodle soup that she made just for him, memories of helping her plant her bushes in the back yard, running errands with her and stopping along the way to get a Blizzard, even though he just had a slushy when they stopped at Sam's and the candy bar before that, which she always has in her purse for right when he gets in the car at school? It is one night a week, is it really that big of a deal?

I think as daughters, we never fully grasp the importance of our Mother, until we ourselves become a mother. It is then and only then that we realize the sacrifice she has made of her time, energy, life and heart. She may not have mothered us the way we want to mother our own children, she may not be the person we want to be when we are 65, but all of that has a level of transparency because she is our Mother, the only one we get.

When my mom's time does come, I will miss her more than I will ever know at this point. I will not only miss her for me, but for my kids. However, since having moved her to NM and recently moved her across the street from us, I am sure of one thing: my regrets will be few. I am glad that we are close enough now that I know my mom as a person and friend in addition to knowing her as my mom. I am glad that we spend enough time together that I can be grouchy one day and it isn't a big deal because the next morning, she is the one I call when I am leaving the house to go to the grocery, to see if she wants anything or wants to go along. Having her so close, I don't have to be perfect or make sure every moment I am with her is quality and positive, because we have quantity on our side right now. I know she is the one I can call when she is out running around and ask her to bring home decon because I saw a mouse hiding under the fridge in the sun room this morning, but then we can laugh when I call her back, right as she is picking it out at the store, and tell her never mind because Elbert got tired of waiting for her and caught the mouse himself (I can just see the mouse dancing a jig to tease Elbert when he was in his crate and couldn't catch him!)

So, the important lesson I learned yesterday is to remember every day to say "I love you Mom" because it might be the last time I get to say it to her face, but also to be grateful that I am close enough to her to say it to her face daily. Laurie, may your heart heal in time and Susie, maybe your days be brighter now with your four wriggly pugs sitting on your lap where they belong, thank you for this lesson!

We interrupt this program...

Last Thursday we went to Santa Fe to visit our dear friend Beth. We had a wonderful day and the kids are still talking fondly of it, and asking when we will get to go back! When we were leaving, Beth gave me two kitchen trash bags full of clothes from her boys, to pass to a mutual friend of ours. I live about 20 minutes from our friend, I am in that areal regularly, so no problem at all! Well, I have yet to make it over there, so the two bags are still in my car.

Today we went to Walmart to get Millie some Tylenol and being the wonderful Mommy that I am, I indulged the kids with slushies from McDonalds. So, on the way home Harrison announced that he spilled his slushie, my first feeling is total annoyance of yet another colored/sticky stain on the floor of our car. Then he announces "Don't worry Mom, it isn't on the floor" "Um, ok" dare I ask where it landed? "It spilled into these two bags of clothes and soaked all of it up!"

So, we interrupt this regularly scheduled laundry program to bring you two loads of laundry that will then be driving directly to Aidan before it needs to be washed, again!

Puddles of Life

I just logged in, with intentions of blogging about whatever, I hadn't decided yet. I am grouchy today so I am sure it would be nothing that anyone would want to read. Then I looked at my friend's blog (The Morris Family on my following list) and it helped put things in perspective. My husband's job is nothing life threatening, beyond his high blood pressure that he is too darn stubborn to see a doctor for, so unlike her, that isn't a huge concern for me. When Harrison was Millie's age, we used to have the lazy mornings in bed, giggling, waiting for the dogs to make the first move to get up. We had a Sunday ritual that had nothing to do with church, instead we would drive anywhere in the city to a new park and have a Sunday Park Day, maybe grab some lunch along the way and play. It was all about Harrison and all about family. Somewhere along the way we have lost that. Now from the time the first kid is out of bed, it is just a fast pace to get this done and that done and at the end of the day, there is usually nothing to show for it except grumpy kids fighting sleep and grumpy parents wishing the kids would go to bed. But why? Is that what I want them to look back on when they are savoring their moments with their own kids? I was thinking the other day on our drive back from Santa Fe about what a great day we had, the kids all were pretty well behaved, not that I worry that much about that with Beth because she just isn't the type of friend that makes me feel like my kids have to be angels, she is realistic, and that is why we love her. But, on the drive home I was looking back at my own childhood and I don't have that many memories of time spent with my parents. I don't remember the conversations, the routines, the rituals. That is so far from what I want my kids to say when they are my age, with their own kids. I don't want them to remember me being a grouch, but I don't mind the remembering having boundaries and being upset when they weren't allowed to go too far outside of them. I want them to remember laughter, jokes, hugs and kisses, support and warmth, times of being wanted and times of wanting more of it. Home should be a safety net, where you can be grumpy if you are tired or have a bad day, it should be a place you want your friends to come play and know they are welcome.

I think part of why I am frustrated on the weekends is because as a SAHM, weekends are just the same as weekdays, just more people to cater to. On a week day, for the bulk of the day I just have the twins and Millie around while Harrison is at school and Tom is at work. On weekends, everyone is here. It is Tom's weekend away from work, so he should get to veg and do nothing, but in a house of six people, not everyone can do nothing or the house takes over and consumes you! I feel like I am the one who is picking up, cleaning, going about the same old stuff that I do every single day. I sat down this afternoon and watch Biggest Loser and couldn't remember the last time I had sat down for 45 minutes in the middle of the day, with out getting up or being interupted, for the most part. But then I get grouchy when Tom sits and vegs, I feel like why should he if I can't, but it isn't like he is saying I can't, it is me saying that. But, I also know, if I don't keep up, then I pay for it on Monday when I have a weekends worth of dishes, laundry, picking up etc to do all at once. Tom was proud of his big accomplishment yesterday of doing the dishes, atleast the ones that would fit in the dishwasher, the pots and pans all still sat on the counter, waiting for the dish fairy to wash them. I have to ask myself though, why isn't that ok with me? If I could lighten up then I could enjoy these fleeting moments with the kids. I could laugh at the stories they dream up, laugh at them playing with the dog, and be excited for the big mess of forts in the livign room, even though I know they can't fold up the Playhuts by themselves. They have their entire lives to be responsible and mature, for Pete's Sake, they are just kids!

I can make excuses for my grumpy days: I have had pms for 3 weeks now with no period (I had my tubes tied, I am NOT pregnant!) I crossed the year mark of refills on my post partum depression Zoloft and decided to stop taking it because I didn't want to be hassled by going back to the midwife to get refills, clearly that wasn't the right choice :)

So, this week, I am making an effort to be more positive, to embrace my kids more and just deal with the rest! Let them dance in the puddles and have fun because when they are 34 and dancing in the puddles someone might wonder :)